For Better or for Worse...not for Better or for Better...

For Better or for Worse...not for Better or for Better...

Danielle Joyner Kelley

March 26, 2009

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:4-6.

I started to write a note on marriage the other day but I decided against it because I had not seen the movie "Fireproof" yet, and felt like I needed to for some reason. This is long but I have had so much communication since starting my notes with so many of you regarding marriage questions that I am taking the time to answer each one based on scripture and my own personal testimony (life experiences).

I got married when I was 21. For years I thought of myself as this strong, independent minded professional and was unwilling to fully give my heart to anyone for fear of getting hurt. I wanted to be able to support myself in case my husband ever ran off to be with someone else. I kept planning for what would happen if my husband and I were not together, and in the meantime I was wasting precious time that we were.

In the beginning, my husband and I were very close with God. We read the Bible out loud together, went through premarital counseling at church, and tried to find a church to call "home". As I went through graduate school, my fear of getting hurt by anyone came back to mind and I was focused on money, security, power, and prestige.

My husband did not grow up in church, and didn't know all that much about religion even though we were reading the Bible to each other. But he just had that natural, "What Would Jesus Do?" attitude about him. I remember getting into horrible fights and throwing out the word "divorce". Words meant nothing to me; I used them so easily without regard for their ability to cut someone. My husband is not quick to anger unless you say one word to him: the "D" word - don't say divorce!! He would get so angry and look at me and tell me that it was "not an option" to which I would say "so we have to be miserable?" and then he would plainly say, "I didn't get married to get a divorce." I never really wanted one truly; I just wanted him to be scared I was leaving so he would love me more. I kept fighting for this perfect love. Praise to God, I already had it but couldn’t see it.

THE IDEA

I have seen two times in the Bible that anyone or any being becomes “One”. The first is the cornerstone of all of life: the Holy Trinity. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one. That has always been hard to explain and everyone has a different concept of that. It is hard to explain because there is nothing analogous to compare it to on Earth. God sent himself to Earth as a human to bring salvation to sinners and that was Jesus. When Jesus died His Spirit remains in everyone who accepts Him. That is how I was taught, and the way it makes sense to me.

But there is one other time that something becomes “One”: Marriage. Marriage being anywhere near the Holy Trinity on that one is not coincidence – to the contrary it is HUGE!

As stated in the scripture above, “they are no longer two, but one”. Think about that for a moment. For a husband and wife with their own biological children, when you look at your children do you see a combination of you and your husband? Yes you do. You are one.

Focus on this scripture below, and don’t panic. It actually makes a lot of sense and explains the role each spouse has:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”. Ephesians 5:22-33.

THE HUSBAND AS LEADER AND THE WIFE’S ROLE IN RELATIONSHIP

As many times as I read the Bible, I didn't get it. I kept thinking, "I can't be an independent strong woman and be in line with the Bible. The Bible tells us men can do whatever they want and we just have to be submissive to them." But I was dead wrong because what I didn’t realize is the Bible holds women in extremely high regard.There are a million examples I could put here to illustrate this, but it would be way too long.

I am not going to lie that the Bible does say women should submit to their husbands. Don’t get too excited though guys because you have a LOT of responsibilities also, and I am going to discuss your relationship with your wife more because of the rumors regarding the Bible on the word “submit". The definition of “submissive” by most accounts is, “to yield to governance or authority”. Wow, men you are “governance or authority” right? NOPE, not unless she “yields” to you.

Okay, so submissive then indicates that the wife’s submission must be “voluntary”. Beating her up doesn’t make it voluntary, it makes it forced. Berating her doesn’t make it voluntary, it makes is compulsory. Remember that one please because God did apparently. Pastor Harry Hebert, at Community Christian Church in Kentucky did a series on this issue, and discussed submission. The best way to put what submission is not, “Only a fool of a man (and there are plenty of them) takes that function and uses it to dominate, intimidate, take advantage of and Lord over his wife. And in doing that, a husband proves he has no understanding of what it means to be a godly husband. Submission is not a excuse for dictatorship”.

“Voluntary” means she wants to do it, or it is her “will” to do it. You may think you can force her to be with you physically, but know this if you do: her “will” will be elsewhere – no pun intended. Prisoners have sat in Cuba captured by the US and other authorities in the “War on Terrorism”. We put prisoners in prison to protect liberty, but in doing so can you say we have changed their “will” or their mind? Nope. When your “will” feels threatened you typically dig your feet in much deeper. Same with prisoners in many situations.

So does a wife have to submit to decisions being made without her input? Let’s see. As stated by Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Marriage You've Always Wanted, “What does the husband's "headship" mean when it comes to decision making? Does it mean that he is the decision maker? That he makes decisions and then informs the wife? In 1 Corinthians 11:3 we are told that God the Father is the "head" of God the Son. Does God the Father then make decisions independently from God the Son? The answer is "No" for one very profound reason. They are One. There is perfect unity between God the Father and God the Son. God the Father is not a dictator over the Son. He is the leader among equals. This is demonstrated in Genesis 1:26 where we read, "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness." God the Father is leading a conversation among the Trinity. But since the three are one there is perfect love and perfect unity. So the husband is the loving leader among equals. He takes initiative to lead the couple to a wise decision, but since he is "one" with his wife, it is unthinkable that he would make the decision without consulting with her. Unity and love are the guiding lights in decision making.”

Ah, Ha…..so you are a “loving leader”. Put into southern terms, if you ain’t loving, then you ain’t leading anybody but yourself away from God. Businesses don’t make decisions without boards voting on them. Including her is key.

Just as the scripture from Ephesians tells us above, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body.” So you have to treat her the same way you treat your own body. There is someone else in her life that is a LOT more important than you, and you need to be able to say the same. “…for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:27-29. We are all one through Him, not you.

So what is your role? Well to put it bluntly it is to treat her, as MUCH as humanly possible, as God would Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Not to make that an example because we as humans nowhere compare but, “A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.” Luke 6:40. You are to try to be like that. And if you don’t try or give it your all possible, know one more thing: God is watching, and she was a gift He gave to you.

You are to teach her to have a relationship with God by your actions. “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18. You are the reflection of her relationship with Him. She has to learn if she gives herself to someone or something else she will not be let down. God is asking you to show her that. And He knows the truth – you cannot fool Him. “In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.” 1 Corinthians 11: 11-12. Be honored then husbands, God gave you a role to teach His Will.

You are to love her, as Ephesians says, “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”. Look at the Cross and ask yourself what Christ did for the church? He gave Himself up for you, for her, for every one of us. You are to ALWAYS have her best interests at heart.

You can’t depend on one another’s sacrificial love. You are to love as Christ loves. There are what I would say “outs” for marriage in the Bible yes, but you don’t get to run away as quickly as you think, and I would check with your Pastor or any Pastor about whether or not one of the “outs” is present for you. Most of us know what the “outs” are, but each individual and individual marriage is different, and should be brought before God before it chooses to end, not just a judge. Some things will set you free, and I do believe that we can’t change people but God can. If they don’t change then God may set you free based on an “out” in the Bible. Not for me to say. Maybe by courthouse standards you can, but marriage is a COVENANT not a CONTRACT. God is still there that is if he JOINED you. Ask yourself if your marriage truly meets the standard set forth in Matthew 19:4 at the beginning of this note, did God join you together? Is God a part of your relationship? Have you both committed your lives and marriage to Him? Don’t fly a plane with a blindfold on please.

But don’t use that to make a spouse stay with you who you know is harming you physically. For example, a woman who is being abused could use that knowledge to say that God will not release her from her marriage while he refuses to come to God and change. If you don’t seek a true answer to that and just go on what you want (which is your husband) then you are harming your own relationship with God and if you have children remember you have a responsibility to them also. Don’t willingly harm them on or your instinct or you will have to answer to God for something someone else caused that you allowed to happen. Don’t just consult a lawyer, consult a Pastor who you know is speaking God’s word.

Loving Her as Christ loves means you must give her honor, respect, be considerate, be good to her, (1 Peter 3:7), know how to live with her in a holy and honorable way (1 Thessalonians 4:4) , do not be harsh with her, (Colossians 3:19), and be faithful to her (Proverbs 5:15; Hebrews 13:4; Malachi 2:14).

A wife should give honor (Colossians 3:18), respect (Proverbs 18:22), admiration (Song of Songs 1:16-17; 2:3; 5:10), be positive and supportive (Proverbs 19:13; 25:24; 27:15), and be faithful to her husband (Hebrews 13:4).

This is in no way a laundry list and there is a LOT more in there, but you should read it for yourself.

However, there is one foundation and that is God. He wants what is best for both of you. He does not want either of you to sin. He wants you both to appreciate the gift you have been given: each other through Him. Make Him your foundation. As stated in an earlier note “You are NOT alone”, you HAVE to understand His love for you. It is unconditional, unrelenting, unbiased, everlasting, and unfailing. Understanding that love is the key to being able to give it to your spouse. Build your house on something everlasting and unfailing.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." Matthew 7:24-27.

Build your house on rock, not sand. Don’t be “reactive” be “proactive”, and protect your marriage now. Remember God loves us. Even though we have rejected Him time and again, He wants what is best for you, and He has not rejected you.

My favorite dialog in Fireproof, between Caleb Holt (the husband and firefighter) and his father regarding Caleb’s wife went as follows. Caleb’s father asked him, “Has she thanked you for anything you've done the last 20 days?”. To which, Caleb, who had not accepted Christ as of this time responded, “No! And you'd think after I washed the car, I've changed the oil, do the dishes, cleaned the house, that she would try to show me a little bit of gratitude. But she doesn't! In fact, when I come home, she makes me like I'm - like I'm an enemy! I'm not even welcome in my own home, Dad. That is what really ticks me off! Dad, for the last three weeks, I have bent over backwards for her. I have tried to demonstrate that I still care about this relationship. I bought her flowers, which she threw away. I have taken her insults and her sarcasm, but last night was it. I made dinner for her. I did everything I could to demonstrate that I care about her, to show value for her, and she spat in my face! She does not deserve this, Dad. I'm not doing it anymore! How am I supposed to show love to somebody over and over and over who constantly rejects me?”.

Upon hearing the question posed by Caleb, Caleb’s father obviously thought of his son’s relationship with Christ, and leaned against a cross that was planted in the ground and said, “That’s a good question.”

How many times has God shown you over and over He loves you only to be rejected? Stop thinking about what is bad in your life, and concentrate on the good. As they say, “count your blessings”, learn not to take them for granted, and use them to bring you closer to Him. After all, He created you for each other, and gave you to each other. Think about the love you have, and imagine it perfect with no hurt, no confusion, and no anger – that is the love He gave to you.

My only challenge then? Use it.