Betting on a Winner...

Betting on a Winner...

Danielle Joyner Kelley

March 23, 2009

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

One of my favorite Christian groups, Casting Crowns has a beautiful song called "Slow Fade" that reminds me of this scripture. Some of the lyrics that I love the most are:

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

This scripture always made me think: What am I giving myself away to? What is most important to me? When I started my walk with God, I had a huge self-realization experience. A huge mirror was put in front of my face and I had to examine everything that has ever happened to me or that I have done. Everything I tried to do didn't work job wise. I was successful in college but never really happy. What things made me happy? My marriage did, but not always. My children did, but not always (especially when they don't mind!). Everything was just okay, but I had everything worldly I needed at my disposal - a house, car, money, a job - and yet I was miserable.

Because of my misery I took everything for granted. Then I managed to start losing things one by one. I was left with my children and my husband.

The rug was getting yanked out from under me, and I started to fall. Just at that moment a hand grabbed me and pulled me back up and I felt like something was telling me (not out loud but more of a nagging at the heart) that I would stand again, but I would never be the same. I knew that voice all too well. It was the voice that told me not to do bad things as a child, not to yell at my mother, not to sneak out, not to threaten my cousin (sorry Summer). Then and only then when I was heading towards rock bottom did I finally get it.

The first few months of my new "rebirth" were nothing short of grueling. I was having to live with the consequences of my sin (still am), and all the things I had done to others. I had to live with consequences for things that I would have never done if I had reached out to that hand that grabbed me from falling before I had done them. I was frustrated at how hard this is, how much I was suffering.

I became so determined, and with the help of my family and a new wonderful church family, I undid over 30+ years of doing things "my way".

I hated change before and didn't believe that people ever really succeeded in doing it. But I will tell you that today I am a completely different person.

At first, I was so worried, so angry, so mad that the things I thought I needed were disappearing. What I didn't realize back then was they were disappearing, and the mirror in front of my face was showing me the only person I had to blame.

As this scripture tells us, my heart was with my treasure. My treasure was the things of this world - at least that is how I lived my life. Yet when I lost them I begged God to save me and give them back. Then and only then did I realize that He was listening to me beg him to take charge of the material things in my life, and I had never given him the most important ones of all - my family, my love, my relationships, my hope, my future, my everything. Who had I become?

I had to break myself down completely and it was horrible. I felt so exposed, so guilty, so sorry for every bad word I ever said, every sin I facilitated or committed, and every person I had ever hurt. Yet, I knew that people were living around me that were much worse off. They had lost family, they had suffered unimaginable circumstances in their lives. I kept that in the back of my mind. When things were getting worse and I was losing more and more, I learned to let go of myself and start saying "Thank You."

I can remember during the first few months of my new walk with God, I hit rock bottom completely. I could not stop crying. I could barely get off the couch. Normally I would sit there and pray for God to save me and bring back all the things I was losing, but I didn't. Instead I started saying, "Thank You". For over an hour I cried and told God how thankful I was for having eyes that see, for sunsets and sunrises, for being able to hear the sound of my childrens voices, for knowing what the ocean feels like, for being able to love and feel love, for EVERYTHING good in my life.

Positive thinking was something I previously knew NOTHING about, but that is because I was not seeking Him at those times. God is a positive God - no matter what people tell you about the Bible when you read it you will see that. Believing if you read His word you will somehow be doomed to Hell is a thought Satan creates to keep you from reading God's word.

Like the song by Casting Crowns, "Slow Fade", I didn't crumble in a day - it was years of turning away from God because I was putting my trust in everything I should not. But God did not give up. He knew that if I put my trust in material things that I would be let down all the time because those things can be lost, stolen, vanish. He knew that if I truly wanted happiness I would have to put my faith in something else.

The worst times in my life where I was 100% convinced that someone else was to blame - even if they were guilty as all sin, I had a contribution somehow someway to the problem. I started praying for wisdom and knowledge to figure those lessons out so I would never end up where I was before.

I realized that God was not up there doing bad things to me. He doesn't sit up there with nothing better to do than to torment you trust me. First of all, God can't sin. So when I felt feelings of jealously, envy, greed, etc., which are sinful in nature, it was never God. It was Satan solidifying his ground to mislead and confuse me. The good things that happened to me God did. I learned as the Bible says, "...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 6:18. Those feelings are God.

Yes, God has a purpose and we cannot explain everything that happens to us, but coming to Him gave me the freedom not to have to explain anything and not to worry about it anymore.I love the lyrics in "Slow Fade" that say:

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

And I didn't realize I was sinking then, but I was. That is what happens when your trust is in material things - your heart is there also, and when those things are lost your heart breaks. What I got from learning this lesson though was that if I put my trust in God, I can't ever lose Him. He will never hurt me. Even if the things of this world hurt me, He will be there to catch me.

Why bet your life on something that can be lost? Would you go to the Kentucky Derby and bet your life on the horse most likely to lose? Why set yourself up to fail and be hurt? Placing your heart in the material things of this world will never last - after you are gone they don't go with you. God knows that and he is protecting you from that. Accept it. Bet on the one most likely to win. If your treasure is Him your heart will follow and I don't know about you, but after my experiences I would never have it any other way again.

Sometimes you have to "lose yourself to find yourself." And I can say I am so thankful for my own loss.