Drawing the Line...

June 27, 2009

Danielle Joyner Kelley

“So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth." Genesis 9:17.

Recently, our country learned that the reality television series couple, Jon and Kate Gosselin filed for divorce. Two days prior, a protestor, Neda Salehi Agha-Soltan, was killed in route to protest against a presidential election in Iran. Which one of the two did the American public give their attention to? According to public commentary the answer is clear. Because the public glorifies its own obsession with the soap opera / drama mentality engrained in the culture, a divorce took precedent over a death.

As divorce is the obsession, questions abound, and people realize that God has a lot to say on the marriage and divorce issue. Absolutely He does, and although the complaints about both become rampant and ever changing it is important to note that the answers to the questions themselves have never changed.

This is not uncommon in our culture. When you overhear a conversation between two people, chances are that you will hear one of them complaining about something. That is because when bad things happen we want an explanation. That instinct is correct for one reason: bad things were never intended to happen. However, we were never promised that they would not occur.

When someone commits a sin here on Earth, they have to bear the consequence. Unfortunately, others have to bear the consequence of someone else’s sin as well. It is the point where we are bearing the consequence of another person’s sin that we want an explanation of “how” and “why” this is happening. The person wondering why their child was murdered or why their spouse filed for divorce is the one asking the questions because they know that someone else’s sin caused them pain.

In the alternative, while we are bearing the consequence of our own sins individually, we often get caught up in guilt and shame and chose not to ask the “why” question because we already know the answer.

People who are going through a divorce will commonly be the ones heard saying how hard the process is. The “why” is actually simple: divorce was never intended to be easy.

Another person’s sins run to other people for one primary reason: we need to learn not to commit the same sin ourselves. If we know how badly it hurts us that someone else acted in a horrible manner, we are the ones who are being shown what not to do. At the same time, we frequently ask why the person hurting us gets away with so much and does not have to answer for the pain we are feeling. It was their sin that caused our pain, so why do we have to answer for it when they do not?

The answer is one that requires a lot of faith. Without question, God will hold those people accountable. Those left feeling the pain and asking the questions are ironically enough the ones who are blessed. That sounds incredible to believe, but imagine if you were the one who was actually capable of committing adultery, committing murder, or breaking up a marriage. As the one feeling hurt but did not cause the action, you are avoiding a judgment from God that will entail more than we could imagine here on Earth. Your hurt was not in vain; rather it will be the evidence God uses in His judgment against them. However, now you know better, so do not go out and ever allow yourself to cause anyone else that same pain. Put simply, do not allow your pain to be in vain either.

We have to remember that God can see the entire picture for all eternity. God knows that this life is only a fraction of your total existence, and He knows what will happen after we leave here. “Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow.” Psalm 144:4. What you cannot see now is exactly what God is preparing you for and focusing on in your life.

As a Christian you are now living under grace, but when you ask “why” look back to God’s law for explanation. Your spouse filed for divorce, “why” are you hurting? Because divorce was never in the cards from the beginning.

You do not have to look farther than the second chapter of the entire Bible to understand the importance placed on marriage. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24.

Throughout the rest of the Bible, marriage is a subject that will come up again and again. Long before we ever existed, thousands of years ago, the concept of marriage came to life through God’s hand. Back then it was not a piece of paper at the courthouse, or a huge ceremony with family and friends. It was a creation by God out of love to benefit Adam because He did not want him to be lonely, and woman was created. Thus, it was a covenant, and not a contract.

God’s covenants are holy, and He declares them in pure love. As demonstrated early on in the first book of the Bible, God makes covenants with us as well. God never breaks His promise, and He expects us not to do so either. As seen early on as with Noah and the Ark, when God flooded the world, God made it clear that He will keep His promise.

“I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth." And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.” Genesis 9:11-15.

When we fall into sin, we break our promise and there are consequences. The consequence is we experience difficulty and so do those around us. As much as we complain about having to bear the consequence of someone else’s sin and feel pain, we should want it no other way. When we have to bear the consequence of someone else’s sin we know first that others realize the pain and will not commit the same sins themselves. Thus there is room for improvement in society. Second, as the one who did not sin, but is feeling the pain, we know we are on the good side and good will triumph in the end.

God’s law defines what those sins are. Divorce is a very real sin that many people commit. If you do, don’t expect it to come with ease. It was never intended and God’s purpose is what always prevails. “Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21. All truth told, American law mirrors the law laid out in the Bible thousands of years ago. The person seeking for the law to make it harder to get divorced is in line with what that law says about marriage.

However, the person who is being divorced should not feel that God has abandoned them for someone else’s mistake, nor should the person seeking a divorce that is right in God’s law to do so. God does release certain people from marriage, even though it was intended to be a covenant that we should keep, and only His word, revealed through the Holy Spirit, can tell you the answer of whether or not you, individually, are released. Unless you are, do not expect the process to go smoothly. Although a Judge can say you are divorced remember there were no courthouses that we know of at the time marriage was created thousands of years ago. God is the only Judge and even if man says you are divorced, if God has not released you from the marriage the consequences will haunt you until you are whether you are aware of them or not. Should any doubt exist to that last statement, ask yourself if you can merely walk away from a home that you can no longer afford to pay for. The answer is absolutely not, and if the answer was “yes” the foreclosure cases would diminish in rapid fashion.

The Bible discusses the subject of marriage at length, but the key to remember is that God has to be at the center of everything. When you get married and you are a Christian you have the Holy Spirit in your heart. You will never know with 100% certainty what your spouse feels, no matter what they tell you. However, God is looking at both the hearts and can see everything. If both are you are truly Christians, there is still no guarantee you will not have difficulties to overcome, but if you continue in God’s path, you do have a final guarantee if you both put Him first. The guarantee is that the union will hold together. “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17. In that one scripture we are told that with His power, nothing is truly “irreconcilable” or “irretrievable”. At the Creator of marriage, if both parties are in His name walking in life, there is no such thing.

Even if both of parties are Christians, there is a risk if one of them is not walking in line with God. The enemy seizes such an opportunity to bring down the one who is seeking God. At that moment, the Holy Spirit will send warning signals. If the person walking out of line with God does not pick up on them, the enemy succeeds and they usually leave the marriage.

It is important here to distinguish between a “believer” and a “Christian”. You can be both, and in the reverse, you can be one and not the other or neither at all. God tells us in the Bible not to be “unequally yoked together with unbelievers”. 2 Corinthians 6:14. A believer has agreed to be cleansed for all sins, and an unbeliever has not. The person in the “unbelieving” stance refuses to do so, although they may believe in Jesus Christ, been “saved” and become a Christian. Remember even Christians sin after they are saved and accept Christ.

To be “yoked” means you take up a person’s burdens and walk with them. By definition, that is marriage. Think of two oxen plowing the field “yoked” together. The person you are married to may not trust God to handle their problems, and at that moment, a believer is “yoked” with someone who does not believe God can help them individually. Someone walking out of God’s word through abuse, adultery, lust, and the like are committing a sin against God and affecting the marriage. Sin is a burden and when we act on it without taking it to God to help take the desire to sin away from us, we are not acting as a “believer”.

If the “unbeliever” does not leave the marriage, what should you do? According to God’s word, you stay put, in prayer and try to bring the person to God. First, your Christianity sanctifies them. “To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” 1 Corinthians 7:12-14.

Second, a believer, is sanctified through Jesus’ sacrifice and their acceptance of Him, and possesses the victory to overcome any problem. Also, their attitude and behavior can influence their spouse to come back to God. “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2.

If the “unbeliever” wants to leave the marriage, what do you do? You let them go. “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” 1 Corinthians 7:15-16.

The reasoning behind this is that no relationship is worth causing you to walk out of step with God. Just as a spouse can display behavior that will influence the other spouse to come to God as in 1 Peter 3:1-2, a spouse out of step with God can influence the other in a negative sense. God knows the ultimate outcome, and certainly does not want to lose the believer in the process. “I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.” Romans 16:17. Because you may bring a spouse back to God through your behavior, it is not likely that it is a sin to marry an unbeliever. The point is that when you marry someone you take on their burdens, including whether or not they are walking with God. If they do not leave the marriage, you are burdened with bringing them to Him.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are physically abused or threatened, realize that even though your spouse does not leave God knows the truth of whether or not you can change them. If they are not leaving you because they want to maintain control, God knows that also. He is always looking at the motives, and if their motives are not pure in the marriage, such as control, they are missing huge obligations and falling out of line with His word. God did not intend marriage to harm anyone. Remember when your spouse is that out of line with God’s word, the enemy will attempt to convince you to say and put you in harms way. He tempted Jesus with scripture and will try to convince you, based on God’s word that you should stay. Focus on your relationship with God and the Holy Spirit’s inner voice inside of you. You are not to place anyone ahead of God whatsoever, and if you stay in harms way out of your desire to stay with your spouse knowing they could harm your family, you are placing your spouse ahead of God’s will.

This world makes it easy to sin, and because of the sanctity of marriage and God’s gift of a covenant between man and wife, the enemy fights against it harder than one might think. Americans attribute the problems in society today to the breakdown of the family structure. If someone commits a crime, we are told that person never had a father. If someone files for divorce, we are told that the person had no family role model.

Even when it comes to marriage, God’s word makes it clear that He is the One before every thing. For the believers, God makes us honor the covenant even if we made the mistake of marrying the unbeliever because we are only released if they leave us. However, we also know that the believer is in line with all of what God tells us to do, including not being “yoked” together with unbelievers, so if the unbeliever leaves the marriage, the believer must let the person go. Marriage is a covenant and so is God’s word to us about unbelievers. God always honors His covenants, including His word to us in its entirety. Therefore in some situations people are released from marriage.

The truth is that it is hard to know who is an unbeliever and who is a believer, and God knew as much. That is why we are told over and over not to judge. However, when it comes to whether or not you can save your spouse or whether or not they will bring you down to sin and fall from your walk, God will step in.

God knew these distinctions would be hard for man to make on his own. That is why we are to seek Him on everything we do, and also why we are told, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. Our human nature is prone to sin, so anytime we are “yoked” together with someone and sharing in their burdens it can affect our walk with God. That is why we are told to walk away from those who do not believe and are affecting us negatively instead of us affecting them positively. Your behavior can change others; however, God knows the breaking point where either you will change them for the better or they will change you for the worse. That is the moment where He draws the line.

What consequence will we face as a society for obsessing and glorifying divorce over a death? The consequence is that others, instead of steering away because they are aware of the hurt that sin causes, will chose to gratify themselves at others expense. In turn, the divorce rate will increase. We will be left bearing that consequence.

If the breakdown of the family is the root of all evil, as we are being told, then expect nothing less than that.

However, we are also left, through our obsessions, with reality.

Eventually, God will draw the line.